


Someone Holds Me (Safe and Warm)

by AssassinOfRome



Series: Holding Up The Universe [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Black Ahsoka Tano, Christmas, Chubby Obi Wan Kenobi, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Families of Choice, Family Feels, Hair going grey, Japanese Padme Amidala, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Obi-Wan Kenobi Has PTSD, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Obi-Wan is showing his age, Realistic Weight Gain, Tbh who can blame him with what he's been through, Tunisian Anakin Skywalker, Unconventional Families, Weight Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:15:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22886176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AssassinOfRome/pseuds/AssassinOfRome
Summary: “Wait, I’ll be Father Christmas? Why?” Satine watched him clutch at his stomach, trying to pull the already enormous jumper further down. “Look, I know I’m not exactly a spring chicken but surely I’m not that – am I?” Two bright spots appeared on his cheeks, and he blinked very quickly. “Look, we can’t all be supermodels, okay?! You’re all tall and athletic and in your prime and I’m-““Ben.” Anakin’s voice was uncharacteristically soft. “It’s because you’ve got a beard.”After a conversation at dinner goes awry, Satine and Cody notice a new anxiousness in their husband.
Relationships: CC-2224 | Cody/Obi-Wan Kenobi, CC-2224 | Cody/Obi-Wan Kenobi/Satine Kryze, CC-2224 | Cody/Satine Kryze, Obi-Wan Kenobi/Satine Kryze
Series: Holding Up The Universe [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1645087
Comments: 8
Kudos: 185





	Someone Holds Me (Safe and Warm)

Satine should have known something was wrong with her husband when he crept downstairs in the largest jumper he owned. 

Admittedly, it was incredibly cold, snow piling up outside their doorstep for the third time that week. Only that morning had she caught Ben outside, scooping snow both from their drive and from their elderly neighbour Maz’s, and his shy smile had warmed her in ways central heating could never achieve. But when he’d come back inside, he’d bolted upstairs so quickly she hadn’t even had time to offer him breakfast before he was dashing off to work, almost colliding with Cody on the way out.  


However, she hadn’t stopped to think about the oddity of the situation until later that evening, about ten minutes before Padme and Anakin were due to arrive for their bimonthly dinner and drinks. With two young kids at home, it was hard for the couple to do anything remotely grown-up in their own home, so Ahsoka – bless her soul – had agreed to babysit, allowing her brothers and their partners to have a night off. Looking at the shadows under Ben’s eyes as he returned home, he definitely needed it. 

Usually on such nights, Ben would take care of the ambience at dinner; selecting the playlist, setting the table, pouring the wine, and over the last few weeks, fiddling with the assortment of Christmas decorations that had colonised their home. Their collection was just the right mix of tasteful and tacky. Mixed in with the tasteful handblown glass ornaments Satine’s family had sent from Mandalore were handmade gifts, some elegantly carved wooden pieces from Cody’s brothers and other paper-and-glitter constructions courtesy of Luke and Leia. All were treated with equal respect, and so Satine was surprised when Ben slumped past them without so much as a second glance. 

“Ben, love, does red or white wine go better with nut roast?” Cody called from the kitchen, oblivious to the storm cloud that had replaced their husband. Even the small action of hanging up his coat seemed charged with Ben’s temper; he growled when it wouldn’t sit straight, and he shoved his shoes unceremoniously in their box, dumping his bag by the door. Satine met his eye for a second before he dived upstairs, socked feet thumping heavily with every step. 

“What’s the matter with him?” Cody asked gently, holding a pan of something delicious. Normally, Satine would sneak a forkful under the guise of checking for seasoning, but her appetite had faded entirely. She chewed her bottom lip instead, frowning. 

“Long day?” She tried to think through Ben’s schedule; it was Monday which meant a department-wide meeting with the university dean, then his rowdy but pleasant first year students for his “History of Heroes” module, followed by a few solid hours of student appointments, before lunch, research time and a trip to the chemist to pick up his medication before coming home. To Satine, it sounded like a fairly full day, but Ben always seemed to flourish from it, usually full of stories about his beloved interns, colleagues and students. 

With a shrug, they returned to work, Satine not quite setting the table as prettily as Ben would have been able to. Not that Padme and Anakin would mind, she reasoned. For all her fancy upbringing, Padme was never happier than when she was locked in conversation with someone she loved about a subject she was passionate about, and she could have talked for hours locked in a nuclear bunker without noticing. As for Anakin, as long as he was warm and his stomach was full, he was happy. The food didn’t even have to be good, they’d learnt the first time they’d caught him chowing down on burnt risotto. He just liked good company and something to snack on. So she wasn’t worried when they turned up a little early. 

Ben, however, sounded scandalised, if the sudden pacing of his feet from upstairs was anything to go by. Padme and Anakin, pink-cheeked from the cold, couldn’t help but glance up as Ben raced around, before stopping at the top of the stairs. Satine ushered them through to the living room, glancing at her husband. 

“What are you wearing?” She whispered, eyes widening. Since they had rekindled their romance, Ben’s already surprisingly nuanced fashion sense had improved. Though he still dressed older than Satine would have suggested for him, he did now have a few zazzier items in his line-up: checked trousers rather than mom jeans; a leather jacket alongside his corduroy; cashmere rather than polyester jumpers. Which made the monstrosity he was currently wearing even more abhorrent. 

First of all, it was enormous, hanging off Ben’s tiny body. Satine had always enjoyed having a shorter husband, but the jumper he was wearing sunk lower than his knees, and he’d clearly rolled the sleeves up several times just to reach his hands. What had once been bright white wool had faded and yellowed with age, looking as if it stunk of sweat. Not only did it clash with Ben’s red hair, it made his already pale skin look paler, and as he crept down the stairs, she noticed new purple shadows under his eyes. For a moment, she wondered how she hadn’t noticed before, but she caught a glimpse of the concealer Ben had nabbed from her makeup bag tucked into his pocket. She frowned, following him through into the living room. Exhaustion wasn’t anything new to her husband, but usually he admitted to it rather than hiding it away. 

Satine, at least, had the good sense and breeding not to bring up such an awful fashion faux pas in front of guests. Unfortunately, said guests did not seem to have had the same training. Their shock, alongside Cody’s, explained the violent flush spreading across Ben’s cheeks as he tried to look anywhere but at the faces of his family. 

“Laundry day?” Padme asked, and Satine knew the younger woman was trying to be helpful, but her obvious disgust was enough to make Ben curl up even smaller in the fabric. 

“I’ve never seen it before in my life.” Cody admitted, glancing at Satine for confirmation; she sent back her coldest glare and attempted to slide an arm around Ben’s waist, but he slid out of her hold, an uneasy grin around his mouth. 

“Oh, this old thing?” He plucked at the fabric, forcing a laugh. “I found it in the back of the wardrobe and threw it on. Just wanted to get a bit cozy, you know?” 

“It looks less like you threw it on, and more like you threw it up.” Anakin wrinkled his nose in distaste, then paused, blinking. “Is… is it Qui Gon’s?” 

“Who’s for wine?” Obi Wan asked, eye twitching as he slipped into the kitchen. Usually he was barred from the area whilst food was cooking – Obi Wan could look at a pot of soup and burn it – but everyone was slightly relieved at the absence of the sweater. Satine paused, sniffing. God, it did smell like vomit. 

“Not me, I’m driving.” Padme called, and Obi Wan returned with four glasses and a water on a small tray, which sloshed slightly as he put it down. He grabbed the largest for himself and filled it a little too much, before sharing the rest of the bottle out. Cody gave her a little nudge. Ben had been doing a lot better with his drinking, but this was definitely a red flag. 

Still, nothing too extraordinary occurred until mid-way through dinner. Cody’s meal was delicious, eagerly tucked into by everyone. Well, almost everyone. Satine watched Ben push his food around his plate, taking large sips of his wine. He’d been eating less and less recently, but she’d put it down to nausea from his new medication. He’d shifted a few weeks ago, and though most of the worst symptoms of such a shift had eased, she knew Ben tended to feel queasy even months after starting a new medicine. He would get embarrassed if she pointed it out though, so she gently changed the subject to the season, and their plans for Christmas Day itself. 

Traditions in their little family had always been mixed. Satine had her own memories of piles of presents and elaborate food, but she would have been the first to admit she’d been spoilt rotten as a child. Cody’s brothers had always focused on the family side of things, with long surfing sessions at Mandalore’s beaches and games of every kind to bring the family together. Padme always made sure to make her delicious kurisumasu keki cake, studded with deep red strawberries, which was a brilliant way of getting the kids (and Anakin) to eat some fruit, whilst honouring her heritage. However, things got a little more complicated with the Kenobi-Skywalker-Tano clan. Qui Gon had been a Buddhist and as much as he liked seeing his kids get excited at the tail end of the year, he didn’t particularly celebrate the holiday with them as children. That, plus the incredibly stretched budget of a single parent still in university, meant Obi Wan had always been inventive about the festive season. They always made time to honour Anakin’s Tunisian roots, and to remember his mother who had passed away around that time. Ahsoka had made the angel on the top of their tree into a mini model of her mother, based on the photos Ben had showed her of the little family all together. And though Ben usually saved his celebrations for Hogmanay, with enough cuddles and liquor chocolate, he could be persuaded to sing a few Scottish tunes in his warm, raspy voice. 

But one thing they all agreed on, ever since the twins were born, was Santa, or as Ben insisted on calling him, Father Christmas. It was the one memory Ben could summon of Qui Gon at that time, left over from his own childhood with Dooku; on Christmas Eve, the children would put out some brandy and a mince pie before heading up to bed. If any prying eyes – even Ahsoka’s – peeped down in the night, they would see a jolly red-suited man carefully assembling the presents into piles before sneaking away, leaving only suspiciously flour-like footprints behind. They remembered last year how Luke had squealed loud enough to wake the whole house, and his sleepy smiles as they tucked him back into bed had powered them through a particularly difficult year. 

However, every year there had been a debate over who would play the starring role. Usually Anakin leapt at the chance, but after last year’s close encounter, it was agreed that someone else should take the role, to save Luke getting too suspicious. All eyes turned to Ben, whose slightly nervous smile quickly fell away. 

“Wait, I’ll be Father Christmas? Why?” Satine watched him clutch at his stomach, trying to pull the already enormous jumper further down. “Look, I know I’m not exactly a spring chicken but surely I’m not that – am I?” Two bright spots appeared on his cheeks, and he blinked very quickly. “Look, we can’t all be supermodels, okay?! You’re all tall and athletic and in your prime and I’m-“ 

“Ben.” Anakin’s voice was uncharacteristically soft. “It’s because you’ve got a beard.” 

“Oh.” The blush, rather than receding, spread down his neck and up to the very tips of his ears. “Oh, alright. Point taken.” 

Silence filled the room as Ben turned from pink to peony. Satine watched Anakin and Padme shoot each other a few confused looks, and glanced down to see Cody squeeze her hand, a similar concern in his warm brown eyes. Ben missed it all, having turned his back to rearrange the spice rack. 

“Well, it’s been a lovely evening, but Anakin and I should head home. Ahsoka’s been so good babysitting for this long – we’ll give her some dinner and send her right back to you.” Padme smiled, and gently touched Ben’s shoulder, turning him just enough to peck his cheek. “Love you, Ben.” 

“Love you.” Ben managed to mumble back, before Anakin swept him into a big bear hug. The brothers didn’t share any words, but Anakin placed a gentle kiss to the top of Ben’s head. Usually, Ben adored such gestures, but Satine saw how deep his wince grew as Anakin pulled away. Immediately he was fiddling with his hair, trying to stroke down the few errant strands. 

After a few telling glances, Cody showed Anakin and Padme to the door. Ben turned his twitching hands to the kettle, pulling down their mugs and toying with strainers and boxes, not looking up at his wife even as she snuck her arms around his waist. She felt him stiffen though, and watched his throat bob as he swallowed. 

“You’re gorgeous, you know that, right?” She whispered, pressing a kiss to the back of his neck. Ben didn’t say anything. “As gorgeous as the day I first saw you. Moreso, even.” She gave his cheek a little stroke. “The beard’s really grown on me.” 

“Don’t.” He whispered sharply, pulling himself out of her hold to paw around in the fridge. She watched him grab randomly at jars and boxes, ignoring the milk. 

“Don’t what? Compliment my husband whom I love?” She went to stroke his shoulders and he flinched, face twisted in an emotion she couldn’t read. 

“Mock me.” 

“Who’s mocking you?” Cody asked, lingering in the doorway with his arms folded protectively. She glanced at her husband, but Cody seemed just as confused as she was. Ben kept his gaze fixed firmly on the kitchen counter, not turning around. 

“No-one – I just – “ He sighed, and scrubbed a hand down his face. “I’m just tired. Forgive me. I’ll go to bed and –“ Cody frowned and glanced at the clock. 

“Ben, it’s 8.30. Don’t be such a-“ Ben’s eyes narrowed and he turned on his heel, glaring at Cody. 

“Such a what?” He snapped, hands planted firmly on his hips like they did when he scolded Anakin or the twins. His lip was curled up in a snarl. “Such an old man? Is that what you were going to say?” 

“No! I just – what?” Cody glanced between his husband and wife, looking baffled. Satine held back a sigh; despite being raised with many brothers, Cody wasn’t the best at dealing with emotional conflict. “Where is this coming from?” 

“Just – leave me be!” For a moment, Satine wondered if Ben was going to start crying, his eyes sheened over with tears. But instead, he did the slightly more adult manoeuvre of stomping up the stairs and slamming the bedroom door. 

With a sigh, and a shrug towards Cody, Satine corked the bottle of wine and gave it an irritated shake. They were in for a long evening. 

**

After about an hour, and a frantic whispered conversation between herself and Cody, Satine couldn’t stand it anymore. She knew better than anyone Ben’s tendency to sulk, but this felt different. And as much as Cody was probably right to suggest giving Ben his space, she couldn’t help but remember that terrible sadness on his face. 

Besides, she was a politician for Pete’s sake. It was her job to solve uncomfortable conflicts. 

Ten minutes later, she was gently knocking on the study room door, tea tray in hand. Warm lamp light glowed under the door, and she would have missed the tiny grunt of admission if she hadn’t been waiting for it. Usually Ben would open the door, but she sensed he wouldn’t move, and instead nudged it open with a toe.  


Ben was hunched over his desk, an almost comically chunky book sat in front of him. Yet he wasn’t reading a word; his glasses were pushed up into his hair and he was pinching the bridge of his nose, his tell-tale sign of a migraine. Satine thought about backing out but he looked up at her and bit his lip. The shadows under his eyes had darkened. 

“I made you some tea.” She held out the tray, and with his permission, tucked it onto the edge of the desk. For a while, they sat in silence as she busied herself with the brewing, and Ben packed up his work. Satine was surprised at that; he usually put up much more of a fight. He must have been feeling truly miserable. “I’m sorry we upset you earlier.” 

“You didn’t; I was just being - ” He sighed and rubbed his mouth again. “I’m sorry I snapped at you.” 

“Apology accepted.” She smiled and passed him the mug, letting him take a few seconds to inhale the comforting scent. “Now, are you going to tell me what’s got you feeling so upset?” 

For a while, Ben didn’t speak, simply sipping at his tea as his expression tightened. Usually, Satine would rub a hand over his shoulders or thigh, but she sensed touch might be a little uncomfortable for Ben. It had been a long time since he’d closed off like this; not since the start of their second relationship, and she missed having easy cuddles and gentle touches. But above all she respected his privacy, and kept her hands to herself. 

“I…” Ben stammered out eventually, before falling silent again. Satine noticed his gaze was firmly focused on his mug, and when he summoned the words again, they tumbled out of his mouth in an unmeasured stream. “The doctor said I’m putting on too much weight with this new medication.” 

“What?” Cody’s eyes were wide from where he lingered at the door, and Satine saw Ben wince. Though he had been adamant that there should be no secrets between them, Satine knew Ben would have admitted his worries very differently to Cody than he would with her. Still, he seemed to take some comfort in Cody’s presence, as when his husband stepped closer, Ben nuzzled against Cody’s stomach. 

“If I keep going at this rate, I’ll be overweight by New Year.” He confessed quietly, hiding his face in Cody’s jumper. Satine took the opportunity to flick her eyes over Ben’s figure. In truth, he did look a little bigger than usual; his thighs strained against the tight fabric of his pants, and there was a new bulkiness to his arms that she remembered faintly from when they were in college. Now that he had ridded himself of the enormous jumper, she could see that his stomach had softened too, gently rounding out against his t-shirt. Compared to the skin-and-bones spectre she had reunited with, it was quite a drastic change, but over five years, it had sort of crept up on him. It was half a decade of living comfortably, of having his burdens lifted somewhat, of taking care of himself. She could hardly see how any of that was a bad thing. 

“Okay. We can work with that.” Cody mumbled, reaching down to cup Ben’s face in his hands. It was hard to tell if Ben’s face had changed much; the beard hid a lot of his cheeks and jaw, so he looked almost identical there. If anything, he looked better, his hair glossier and his skin brighter. “We can head to the gym a little earlier, and –“ 

“It’s not just that.” Ben sighed, still not meeting Cody’s eye. “I’m getting older. There’s no sense in denying it.” 

“So are we – so’s everyone.” 

“Cody, you’re in better shape now than you were when we met, and Satine…” Ben turned to face her, and he glowed with fondness as he reached out and kissed her hand. “You’re more beautiful than ever.” He gave her fingers a little squeeze and let them fall. “It’s just me.” 

“What do you mean?” 

Ben opened his mouth a few times, but the words wouldn’t come. Satine glanced nervously at Cody; it wasn’t like their little wordsmith to be speechless. Instead, she watched as he raised his hands to his hair, and pushed his fringe aside. 

The once warm copper strands at his hairline were now bright white and Satine could see the pattern moving up through his scalp and down his temples. When he turned his head, the same could be seen on the other side, if not bigger. Now she was looking close enough, there were even little flecks of white in his beard. 

“You’re getting tetchy because of a few white hairs?” Cody started to laugh, but stopped when he saw the crestfallen look crossing his husband’s face. 

“It’s not a few! It’s everywhere!” Ben ran his hands through his hair and gripped hard, exposing yet more light strands to the light. 

“And?” Cody shrugged. “Rex is white all over and no-one says anything to him.” 

“Rex is albino! I’m just-“ He fell silent again, shoulders slumping. “Old.” 

“What’s wrong with that?” She asked, gently inching closer so she could sneak an arm around his waist. 

“I’m worried I won’t be around… to see...” His words trailed away, and he swallowed hard. “The twins are getting bigger every day and… I want to see them grow up. I want to see Ahsoka’s career take off and meet her future partner and-“ 

“You’re thirty-nine, not ninety.” Cody squatted so he was closer to Ben’s eye height, stroking his fingers through Ben’s beard. “And you’re healthy – fuck what that doctor says; I know you’re healthy. You wouldn’t be able to run or fight or swim like you can if you weren’t. So of course you’re going to be around to see these things. You just might be a little greyer when you do.” 

“That’s not it, is it?” Satine frowned as Ben’s expression refused to shift. If anything, he looked even sadder as he leaned into Cody’s touch. “You don’t care if you’re grey – well, maybe you care a little bit but –“ 

“Tahl died at forty-five. My father didn’t see fifty.” He whispered, and Cody stopped stroking. Satine felt like all the air had been kicked out of her lungs as she watched Ben’s eyes fill with tears. “And PTSD can be pretty life-limiting too. I did some research and some studies say it couple be linked to diabetes and heart disease and dementia.” She felt him shudder against her, his shoulders pulled in tight. “And that’s before you look into side effects of anti-depressants and-“ 

“So don’t look.” That was enough to get Ben to look up, if only to frown at Cody. “Ben, how do you feel right now?” 

“You mean, now now?” He raised an eyebrow and Cody sighed a little, threading his fingers through Ben’s hair. 

“Well… before you started Googling.” Cody gave his head a tiny flick; Ben was a menace when it came to over-researching health conditions. “Were you happy?” 

“Yes – yes I think so. Happier than I’d been in a while.” Ben admitted, relief washing over his face. One of his hands snuck down to meet hers curled around his waist. 

“And healthier too, right? You were hiking almost every weekend with Boga and running around your department with your students, right?” Ben nodded, and Satine gave him a little squeeze, which won her another smile. “I think you’ve been doing a lot better than you give yourself credit for.” 

Ben frowned at them both, and Satine gave Cody’s shoulder a tap. When Cody let go, she scooped Ben onto her lap, letting him curl up against her. Cody sat on the floor, one hand resting on Ben’s ankle. 

“Getting a diagnosis is terrifying, but you’ve been so brave throughout this. You’ve been serious about taking your medicine and going to therapy, even though we know how much you hate doctors. You’ve been taking time to explore your mental health, and to take care of your mind and body.” She pressed kisses wherever she could reach; his hair, his jaw, his cheeks, his nose, his forehead. “You’ve set an amazing example for Anakin and Ahsoka. And…” She paused, and broke away from him temporarily to glance at the large photograph taking up much of the opposite wall. “I think your dad would be really proud of you.”  


Satine hadn’t been certain what her husband’s reaction to such a comment would be, but she wasn’t expecting him to lean into her shoulder and start to sob. After the initial shock had worn off, she curled her arms around him, and rocked gently, rubbing circles into his back. Cody came from behind and hugged him too, whispering gently into Ben’s ear. 

Despite the sadness rolling off her husband in continual waves, Satine couldn’t help but smile as he buried himself closer into her arms. The Ben from ten years ago would never have let himself be cuddled like this, nor would he have even started crying in the first place. He would have kept all his sorrow locked away, pushing it down deeper and deeper until it threatened to snap him in half. Gently, she kissed his hair, both white and red, and pressed her forehead to his. 

“Feeling better?” She asked, stroking a thumb under his eyes. Yes, the crow’s feet at their edges had gotten a little deeper, but his eyes still sparkled like they had at Mandalore. He nodded, still a little overcome. 

“You must think I’m so silly.” He chuckled wetly, wiping his eyes. Satine pressed a kiss against his forehead. 

“I think you’re a lovely man who’s spent so much time looking at how things fall apart that he’s forgotten what it’s like when the world is stable.” She glanced at her other husband, who was stroking Ben’s back. “Sound about right, Cody?” 

“I’d say so.” Her husband nodded, putting a hand on Ben’s shoulder. However, he winced and pulled away a moment later. “Still, I can’t support that jumper much longer, Ben.” 

“Throw it on the fire; it’s where it belongs.” Ben wriggled out of the rotten thing, flinging it onto the ground. Satine smiled – with his hair ruffled and his cheeks pink, Ben was slowly looking more than himself. “Thank you, my loves. What would I do without you?” 

“Starve, probably.” Cody pressed a gentle hand to Ben’s stomach, kissing him gently when he stiffened. “Come on gorgeous, let’s get you a snack. Don’t think I didn’t notice your half-hearted nibbles at dinner.” 

“Are you sure I should-“ He looked down at where Cody’s fingers rested, swallowing hard. Satine laced her hands with Cody’s and pressed them against the softer swell there. 

“If the choice is between you being heavier or healthier, I think we all know which one we would pick.” She smiled softly and gave him a squeeze. She hoped, with a bit of time and tender loving care, he’d start believing that too. 

From the way his eyes lit up, she thought they might be on the right track.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, hope you liked it - I know it's not exactly Christmas-time but the thought wouldn't leave me alone! 
> 
> Yes this is linked to my other work - I'd like to think it's about ten years later, so spoilers I guess. But they all deserve their soft epilogue. 
> 
> Please let me know what you thought, and if you'd like to see more snippets like this. I have a few ideas - like Obi Wan learning to braid Ahsoka's hair, or teaching Anakin to drive - but I'd value any insights. 
> 
> Also this fic got a little heavy in places with mental health issues so if anyone reading this is struggling, please know you are beautiful and have value and deserve to be loved <3 Take care of yourselves!


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